Me, Myself & I. {AD}

Thursday, 18 October 2018


2018 has actually been a year where I've noticed a huge amount of growth in myself, unfortunately not height wise *forever stuck at 5'3* but with my confidence. I've found myself doing things I wouldn't have done before, wearing clothes I'd of once felt I wasn't pretty enough to wear, speaking to new people and feeling more confident in myself as a whole. This for me is a huge win, from making new friends, staying at my job for 18 months, trying new styles of clothing and even wearing colour, going out more with friends and even feeling like my social skills are somewhat improving. 



  For me, since I can remember I have always been afraid, afraid of just about everything. Leaving my mum at the school gate, to doing my work experience in year 10. To leave my hometown and visit anywhere else. Going to pubs, clubs and even blogger events. I even have a phobia of most foods, including the texture of meat and anything that has seeds. 

Growing up, I always knew I was different. I found it hard to make friends, and I didn't know how to act around new people. Doing sports at school made me scared in case I would fall, and it wasn't the phobia of falling and hurting myself, it was the phobia of what people would do, would they laugh? would they act like didn't happen or would they come and help me. I would forever play out each of the scenarios in my head and it consumed my life. Despite having various types of therapy, I wasn't ever sure how to overcome my struggles.  



I would write stories, and I always would be the shy girl, the underdog who just needed her chance to shine, and it felt like this was me my entire life growing up. I would want to be one of the 'popular' people and always fell short. I forever dreamed of being an author, I would spend hours of my time, drafting all of these stories, especially after reading book after book where the uncool girl became the one everyone wanted to be friends with. 

Being different for me in my teenage years was something I found hard, I wanted to belong somewhere where I wasn't alone. I tried to change myself so much but it wasn't the answer, even as an adult up until recently, I thought I needed to fit in. 2018, has been the year where I've stopped caring what people think of me, I am that girl who has bright coloured hair, a yellow raincoat on and the brightest doc martens. Weirdly, now after hating who I am for the majority of my life, I feel somewhat more confident in who I have become.


"Be proud of how you see yourself, rather than ashamed of how others see you."

There are people everywhere, and I wish I had understood this growing up. The people who are around you now, are unlikely to be around forever. Things change, people change and the world changes. Some friendships last, sadly others don't. You learn who your real friends are and those who aren't. You only need to live for you, and that's the huge thing in life a lot of people don't realise, myself included



Learning, that living with a mental illness doesn't make me any less worth happiness, and that my moods are something that sometimes I cannot control. I didn't choose this illness, in fact, it chose me. I come with my quirks but that's just what makes me, well yano, me. 

My goals for 2019 are to work on my confidence even further, this includes facing the things that make me 'hate' myself, as opposed to loving myself. Keep making steps in the right direction and continue being me. 




8 comments

  1. This is so wonderful to read Olivia Jade - and I can't wait to see you grow even more in 2019!

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  2. Yes continue being you! I think that is one of my fave things about blogging, it enables you to be yourself more and fine like minded people.

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  3. I can relate to so much of what you've said here, as a child I was so scared of everything and I still carry many of those traits today. I'm an emetophobic (fear of being sick) and it controls so much of my life and I absolutely hate it. I really want to work on my confidence and accept that this is how I am but keep working on it, to get better. I really loved this post, so thank you!

    Lucy | Forever September

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  4. sounds like such good goals for the year next year - self-care and making sure that you're confident within yourself is so important

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  5. Go you! Such an inspiring post, this. I've struggled through this year with various things, but onwards and upwards, yes? Hopefully 2019 will be the best year yet. :)

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  6. What an inspiring post, how great that you are feeling comfortabe in your own skin and embracing who you are. well done. Mich x

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  7. I loved reading this and glad you've had a great boost in confidence and wishing you the best for 2019

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  8. My confidence is at a low and I would really love to get some self esteem

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