Life With PTSD.

I've felt like recently I've slightly lost who I am as a blogger, don't get me wrong I honestly love all of the new content I am putting out, but I am also kinda sad. Sad that I feel like I've lost talking about the things which are so important to me, like my mental health blog posts. So I'm bringing it back, I also bringing it back with a post which I've had a quarter written in my drafts for a pretty big length of time now. Life with PTSD.

So back in 2015 I was officially diagnosed with PTSD. It's a difficult one to deal with because a lot of people assume it is just for people who have been at war, but in fact it can come from any sort of trauma. Even when I was diagnosed I was confused, I went to google what was wrong with me and the first searches were all about being at war. I finally found something that related to me. 
"Related to an incident in which the person suffered a serious trauma." The words on the page rang true to me, I felt like someone finally got it. I started to read up on symptoms and things started to make sense, but even now I struggle to accept what I suffer with. I'm writing this post to reach out to all of those who are suffering too. You're not alone

The worst part about the illness to me is the flashbacks, I'll be laying in bed alone. I'll hear a noise and my whole body will shut down, it'll trigger my brain and give me the scariest flashback, and it takes minutes/hours and even days to feel okay again. I'll lash out to those closest to me because I can't separate reality from the trauma. I'll feel an overwhelming urge to scream and cry. I want to be alone but also hate being alone. I feel scared that nobody is ever going to be able to love me whilst I'm suffering from this. I feel like I can not be on alert, I can never walk around with both headphones in, I'll jump at the slightest noise, I'll be laying in bed and my brain will go into overdrive, I'll constantly be worried that I am upsetting someone, or that I'm a burden. It took me 6 months to stop asking my best friend daily if he still wants to be friends with me. 

Along with my PTSD, there is the depression and the anxiety which pretty much fit hand in hand. I hate going out alone when it is dark, I panic I am constantly annoying. I spend days in bed. I constantly struggle with suicidal thoughts and with people it's never a long-term thing, it's always a when, when are they going to leave, when are they going to give up on me. It's become something that is so normal to me now, it barely even phases me when somebody leaves my life. 

When I suffer a flashback and I am with another person I can often lash out, whether that be verbal or physical it's something that happens, which makes me feel horrible. I feel like the worst person in the world. It's like watching the whole thing through somebody else's eyes and I can't stop them doing it. My temper is awful and I wish I knew how to control it. I've been having therapy to help me deal with my trauma and it actually gives me some sort of escape from what I'm dealing with, although it is tiring and hard as hell, I'm happy I finally have found some sort of therapy which seems to offer me some sort of cure. There are other ways to get therapy including online, you can get this from BetterHelp. It’s always worth exploring other avenues, even if some of them don’t work for you.

I am me, I am not my PTSD. I am a survivor!


  1. I just have to say, I completely understand. I certainly don't know what caused your ptsd and it doesn't really matter, I understand the flashbacks and the depression and the anxiety. You are definitely not a lone.

  2. Nice post, thanks so much for this sharing!


  3. I'm sending lots of love your way! PTSD flashbacks are terrifying. I'm so sorry to hear that you suffer with this horrible condition, but please don't ever feel like you're alone. I'm glad EMDR is helping, it was something I wasn't able to try because of my photosensitivity. Please try not to worry that no one will love you while you're dealing with PTSD. I met my now husband when my PTSD was at it's worst. It took a long time, but he was the person who helped me the most in dealing with my PTSD. I'm always here if you want to talk to someone who understands from personal experience. Xx

    Tania | When Tania Talks

  4. I completely understand, if you ever need to talk just email me, I'm 32 and have had it for a very long time but finally thanks to therapy am working to the other side. Mine is from being (not sexually) abused as a child and the flashbacks or if I see a child being shouted at in person or in a film I freak out and have no way of letting myself being vulnerable with another person. Thankfully I've never had suicidal thoughts as I have a disabled mum and she would have nobody if I was gone so I knew that was never an option but... I understand you know, if I didn't have her I don't know what I would have done. Sending you the biggest squish hug xoxo