So back in 2015 I was officially diagnosed with PTSD. It's a difficult one to deal with because a lot of people assume it is just for people who have been at war, but in fact it can come from any sort of trauma. Even when I was diagnosed I was confused, I went to google what was wrong with me and the first searches were all about being at war. I finally found something that related to me.
"Related to an incident in which the person suffered a serious trauma." The words on the page rang true to me, I felt like someone finally got it. I started to read up on symptoms and things started to make sense, but even now I struggle to accept what I suffer with. I'm writing this post to reach out to all of those who are suffering too. You're not alone.
The worst part about the illness to me is the flashbacks, I'll be laying in bed alone. I'll hear a noise and my whole body will shut down, it'll trigger my brain and give me the most scary flashback, and it takes minutes/hours and even days to feel okay again. I'll lash out to those closest to me, because I can't separate reality from the trauma. I'll feel an overwhelming urge to scream and cry. I want to be alone but also hate being alone. I feel scared that nobody is ever going to be able to love me whilst I'm suffering with this. I feel like I can never not be on alert, I can never walk around with both headphones in, I'll jump at the slightest noise, I'll be laying in bed and my brain will go into overdrive, i'll constantly be worried that I am upsetting someone, or that I'm a burden. It took me 6 months to stop asking my best friend daily, if he still wants to be friends with me.
Along with my PTSD, there is the depression and the anxiety which pretty much fit hand in hand. I hate going out alone when it is dark, I panic I am constantly annoying. I spend days in bed. I constantly struggle with suicidal thoughts and with people it's never a long term thing, it's always a when, when are they going to leave, when are they going to give up on me. It's become something that is so normal to me now, it barely even phases me when somebody leaves my life.
When I suffer a flashback and I am with another person I can often lash out, whether that be verbal or physical it's something that happens, which makes me feel horrible. I feel like the worst person in the world. It's like watching the whole thing through somebody elses eyes and I can't stop them doing it. My temper is awful and I wish I knew how to control it. I've been having EMDR therapy to help me deal with my trauma and it actually gives me some sort of escape from what I'm dealing with, although it is tiring and hard as hell, I'm happy I finally have found some sort of therapy which seems to offer me some sort of cure.
I am me, I am not my PTSD. I am a survivor!