It's always daunting coming back to your blog after being away from it for a few weeks and it has been a good couple of months since I've been able to sit down with a clear head and actually want to write posts. I've gone from writing four posts a week to struggling to do four a month, but I guess that's one of the annoying things about mental health, it can take over your entire life, seize you it's grasp and not let you go again. It's even worse when someone manages to get into your head, change everything about you that you once knew and then drop you like they didn't even care. At all. I ended my previous relationship late last year and did the usual, "oh lets join dating sites; if something happens it happens and if it doesn't that's ok too". But then, I met someone and I was happy.
It burnt out very quickly, we stopped talking. I assumed that was the end. Until we decided we could be friends. I wanted new friends and I enjoyed the life he lived so I went for it, why not? Over the following weeks, we tried the whole friends thing, but it was clear quickly it was way more than that. I wanted to give it ago more than anything. I wanted it to work and I would of done anything for him. I put myself in some stupid situations, I sacrificed my friendships for him as I knew my friends didn't like him. I gave up caring about myself and my mental health was deteriorating. Neither of us would sleep at night as we both had issues with sleeping during the night, so we were sleeping all day. I wasn't even seeing any light apart from when I was falling asleep. This was pretty much everyday. My mood was dropping. Despite this I somehow managed to push through my dissertation and ended up with a 2:2 which I'm so happy I did.
It wasn't until I stepped away from the situation, that I realised it was poisonous from the start, he would never even want to admit he was associated with me in public. He would act like it was all in my head, then when we were alone, he would act like he loved me, telling me he was falling for me, treating me like I was the only girl in the world. In front of others he was constantly checking dating websites, talking to girls and making feel like I was nothing to him. I was supplying him with the lifestyle he wanted, funding everything he wanted. Treating him like he was the best thing in the world, because to me he was. I didn't understand at the time but I honestly felt like it was more like an abusive relationship, it was never physical, but the mental abuse I suffered was not okay. No one deserves to get torn down every single to the point where they don't know who they are anymore, they feel so empty and alone that they don't know how to cope. Made to feel like they are worthless.
Then one day, after he admitted he actually had feelings for me and wanted to give it ago, he started being weird with me, and you know, when something doesn't feel right? Yeah that. I was sat in his flat and he disappeared for hours, came back and something still wasn't right, and it got to the point where he stopped talking to me all together despite being in the same room for 12 hours. I left his flat the next day and he deleted me off everything. He stopped replying to my messages, it was like he was gone without a trace. That hurt.
The next few days were tough, I spent two months of my life trying to make someone so happy, I had forgotten how to care for myself. My mental health was poor and I was giving everything to a guy who frankly didn't care. I didn't know what I'd done to him so my anxiety went through the roof. I felt like I was a bad person, like I'd done something unforgivable. But worse, this guy who you'd given everything to just cut you out, just like that. You hear from people in your life he's been telling them he cut you loose and that he only stuck around for the money benefits I was offering. It hurts being used. Honestly it does. It was only a few days ago when I finally realised I am SO much better off without someone who is that much of a low life and I found this AMAZING article, which I read about cutting toxic people out of your life (you can read it here) it changed the way I was looking at things, I started to wonder what if I had actually done anything wrong, and it occurred to me I did everything for that person, and that person had let me down. I am still trying to rebuild myself up now, and I am going to find it SO hard to trust again, BUT, I will trust again.
I will find someone who doesn't make me feel awful for wanting to hug them, or for telling them they look good. I will find someone who actually makes me feel good instead of putting me down, I will find someone who wants me around and appreciates what I do for them. I am worthy of that, I know damn well I am. For those of you stuck in a toxic situation, remember it's not your fault and as hard as it may seem, you can get through it, I promise. It may not be easy to get out of, it may take weeks, months or even years to get out of it, but remember you're not alone. Surround yourself with those who make you feel worthy, you need those people in your life.
"To the wrong person, you'll never have any worth. To the right person, you'll mean everything."