Wednesday, 16 November 2016

Weight, Where Is The Middle Ground? *TW* | Lets Talk

It's another night where I am sat up at midnight writing a post about my life which lets face it you lot probably don't want to read but I can't help myself. Over this last year opening up to you lot has become a weekly thing and I am just used to doing it now. I just wanted to add a little trigger warning at the start of this post as you know I usually do when I talk about certain issues. Today is a big one for me and it's one I've hardly spoken about on my blog but it is something I've pushed to the back of my mind and tried to pretend it doesn't exist. I can say throughout my life I've never had a healthy relationship with food when I was a teenager it was always a problem with never eating enough. I would forever be under eating, skipping meals and forcing myself to not eat to stay skinny. I am lucky it never became such a big deal because it could have been way worse for me.



But I know looking back at photos that was not a healthy relationship to have. It was after one of my exes left me I started to develop another problem with food but this time it was the other way. I found a new boyfriend and his family taught me that eating was good, in fact eating a lot was good. At first it was a good thing I was gaining weight. I needed to gain weight. But then I couldn't stop. Food became such a huge thing to me, I actually feel weird typing this out because to anyone who has never had these problems you'll probably think it is stupid but to me this is how it feels. I would literally panic if I didn't know when I was going to be able to eat next, I used to get depressed hanging out with people who didn't eat a lot because I didn't want to be judged. I could see myself getting bigger and being more unhappy with myself but it felt right to keep eating.

It wasn't until I was a little bit older when I started to notice a pattern in my eating, and it's only VERY recently that I've noticed my triggers. I would never eat a lot when I was happy, it would always be when I was stressed. I felt sad, I wanted to eat. I would eat SO much food until I felt sick but I couldn't stop. *I'm still dealing with these issues now so it's pretty raw stuff* I rely on food far too much and I am so glad it's finally something I am dealing with because I am worried for my health. I hate the way my body looks at the moment, I hate going shopping with people in case the clothes don't fit. I NEVER try them on in the changing room because when I realise I need to go up a dress size my day is ruined. The worst thing I feel like when it is an issue with food it always people telling you, OH just eat more or you know you could just stop eating. I don't think they realise it's not that simple, oh damn I wish it was. I know that my issues with food are not ok, it is not ok to be in this relationship anymore, like a toxic relationship; it is time to leave. I will forever want to go back to you but this has to be the way forward. It was in the last few weeks when I was seeing my doctor at his late night surgery that I told him, once I started I couldn't stop. He's getting me some support for this issue and I am lucky I have a doctor who understands so well. For now, I am looking at ways to deal with my relationship with food in a more healthy way and I am so proud of myself for dealing with it.

I hope this post as every other helped in someway, shape or form. 



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3 comments

  1. This was such a relieving post to read - I have the exact same problem! I was obsessed with being skinny and restricting my food when I was younger (but it never developed into a full blown eating disorder) and now I just can't stop. I get stressed about the same things, and even going into work I have to have loads of snacks with me because otherwise I panic about getting hungry and not having anything to eat. I't's so nice (but at the same time so sad) to know that I'm not alone in this

    Steph - www.nourishmeblog.co.uk

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  2. I know exactly how you feel, love, and please know that if you ever need someone to talk to I'm right here for you. It's hard and it sucks, but I'm sure you're strong enough and you'll get through this.

    x

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  3. I know exactly where you are coming from! I hate going clothes shopping in case I need a big size and it is so hard to hang around with people a lot skinnier than me because I am constantly feeling as though I am being judged. It's so hard but I know your strong enough to get through this and have support from a lot of people around you xx

    Yasmina | The July Journal

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