Wednesday, 19 October 2016

I Have Relapsed *TW* | Lets Talk

For someone who suffers with an addiction relapsing can be detrimental to your health as well as those around you. Whether the relapse is with food, drink, drugs or even something like self harm it is such a difficult thing to deal with. You've gone through the stages of coming to terms with the addiction to only fall back into old habits, it's such a disappointing and scary feeling. As someone who suffers with what can only be described as a need to hurt myself, it feels wrong when I've spent so long dealing with my demons and falling back into that habit that consumed your life once before. I used to self harm daily, I would take a blade to my wrist until it bled over and over. This was a dark period of my life, I felt very alone. It took many years but it got to the point where when I was upset the last thing I would think to do is self harm and I felt like I was finding more positive ways to deal with it.


Earlier this year, I found myself slowing falling back into that cycle and like quicksand it was impossible to get out, it started with the thoughts and slowly turned into making up any excuse I could to be alone and to take it out myself. For those of you who have never self harmed, please do anything but; because it may seem harmless at the time but it becomes something you use to cope. I was 14 years old when I first decided to self harm, my best friend at the time told me it was a way he used to cope and I thought it sounded like a simple way out, one time turned into something I did daily. I would take to Tumblr and search for self harm, depressing quotes, suicide and other things that I really should of realised would make it worse. It was addictive to search, seeing what others were going through, I wasn't alone. I would learn new techniques and different ways of hiding my self harm. It was my secret and that's what I wanted it to stay as. I would wear massive jumpers in the middle of summer, I would sleep in them, I would freak out in P.E when I was told we would need to wear polo shirts. My self harm became less of a secret and more of something people just thought I was a crazy person for. In 2014, I gave up self harm and I promised myself if I managed a whole year without self harm I could get a tattoo, a tattoo on my wrist which I used to draw blood from. The wrist is covered in scars, but I knew it felt right to get my tattoo. I felt so good that I was able to get this tattoo, I was sure I wouldn't need to self harm again.

I can't tell you what happened this year to make me need to self harm again, but something changed. I felt lonely, sad and like self harm would once again be my only escape. Although it is something which is a lot different to me than what it used to be and I am more in control of my urges, I am still learning my triggers. I recently took to Tumblr and ended up in a bad way and although the guidelines are so much stricter than what they used to be I could still feel myself, feeling the way I used to feel. I am writing this post as an escape and to share with you that if you relapse there are ways forward, we can deal with this together. I am here for you.
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8 comments

  1. I hear this, I self-harmed for many years. I was in such a bad place emotionally and I just couldn't deal with the emotional pain. Fortunately I have managed to climb out of that darkness but I do still self harm in other ways sometimes; over eating, excess alcohol, even creating incredibly stressful, no win situations for myself.
    Take care of yourself and keep talking, keep sharing. Much love xxx

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  2. I don't REALLY have anything of worth to say to yet another articulately written post on mental health, I just wanted to say I'm reading, I suppose- for what it is worth. And I admire you, a lot.x

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  3. I am so sorry to hear about your relapse but well done on recognising that things arent ok and you need help. That is the most important 1st step. Big hugs xxx

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  4. Sorry to hear this. I have not struggled with this but do understand how hard it can be to not fall back into something. I hope you stay strong and remember change takes time.

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  5. This was a really brave post to have published on your blog, thanks for being so truthful not only are you venting but you're being accountable. Someone I know has been hurting themselves, its terribly hard to try to make it better for them I don't know where to begin. I hope you are feeling better now! Blogging is a great way of finding support and comfort xox

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  6. You should be so proud that you've been so honest in this post. Everything I'm going to say you've probably heard before but I'm going to say them anyway. Even though you might physically feel alone remember that there are people out there who care about you and think you're an awesome person even if you don't know it, and if you ever need to chat there's people out there. I can't imagine what you're going through, I went through a small phase of this as a teenage but it was just a phase. Just remember you beat your addiction once and you're strong enough to do it again x

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  7. Oh hun :/ loneliness is quite often the greatest trigger of addiction and like you I am addicted to self harming myself but not in the way you may think. I put myself down and get a strange sense of satisfaction imagining bad things happening to me and it makes me feel depressed and isolated. I am learning on practicing self-love but it is hard. Your so brave for sharing your story, hang in there xxx

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  8. I'm so sorry to hear this... But I'm proud of you for having the strength and courage to write so openly about it. I believe that talking about it is a first big step in the right direction. Big hug x

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