For someone who suffers with an addiction relapsing can be detrimental to your health as well as those around you. Whether the relapse is with food, drink, drugs or even something like self harm it is such a difficult thing to deal with. You've gone through the stages of coming to terms with the addiction to only fall back into old habits, it's such a disappointing and scary feeling. As someone who suffers with what can only be described as a need to hurt myself, it feels wrong when I've spent so long dealing with my demons and falling back into that habit that consumed your life once before. I used to self harm daily, I would take a blade to my wrist until it bled over and over. This was a dark period of my life, I felt very alone. It took many years but it got to the point where when I was upset the last thing I would think to do is self harm and I felt like I was finding more positive ways to deal with it.
Earlier this year, I found myself slowing falling back into that cycle and like quicksand it was impossible to get out, it started with the thoughts and slowly turned into making up any excuse I could to be alone and to take it out myself. For those of you who have never self harmed, please do anything but; because it may seem harmless at the time but it becomes something you use to cope. I was 14 years old when I first decided to self harm, my best friend at the time told me it was a way he used to cope and I thought it sounded like a simple way out, one time turned into something I did daily. I would take to Tumblr and search for self harm, depressing quotes, suicide and other things that I really should of realised would make it worse. It was addictive to search, seeing what others were going through, I wasn't alone. I would learn new techniques and different ways of hiding my self harm. It was my secret and that's what I wanted it to stay as. I would wear massive jumpers in the middle of summer, I would sleep in them, I would freak out in P.E when I was told we would need to wear polo shirts. My self harm became less of a secret and more of something people just thought I was a crazy person for. In 2014, I gave up self harm and I promised myself if I managed a whole year without self harm I could get a tattoo, a tattoo on my wrist which I used to draw blood from. The wrist is covered in scars, but I knew it felt right to get my tattoo. I felt so good that I was able to get this tattoo, I was sure I wouldn't need to self harm again.
I can't tell you what happened this year to make me need to self harm again, but something changed. I felt lonely, sad and like self harm would once again be my only escape. Although it is something which is a lot different to me than what it used to be and I am more in control of my urges, I am still learning my triggers. I recently took to Tumblr and ended up in a bad way and although the guidelines are so much stricter than what they used to be I could still feel myself, feeling the way I used to feel. I am writing this post as an escape and to share with you that if you relapse there are ways forward, we can deal with this together. I am here for you.