I firstly want to add a trigger warning to the start of this post, I would hate for anyone to be triggered by the post I am about to write, if you think you may be triggered by this post I'd recommend possibly not reading it. Otherwise lets crack on with this post. This is something I've wanted to talk about for such a long time, but it's taken a lot of guts and courage to be brave enough to open up about this. If you haven't already figured it out from tittle, I will be talking about battling with suicide, with my own personal battle as well as just talking about it in general. I hope this post helps at least one person out there.
For hours I was pacing around my room, wondering what would be the most logical next step, my brain was telling me to pick up the phone and call someone, anyone. My heart was telling me this is the end, it's too late to be saved. This wasn't even my first attempt at suicide but it was one that was most shocking to myself as I believed this truly could be the end for me. I took a deep breath and ended up taking a lot of tablets, hoping in some way it would numb the pain which was inside of me, even if it didn't maybe it would be too late and I wouldn't be able to feel anything anyways.
There has been times in the past when I have considered taking my own life, but I've taken to calling the Samaritans or luckily having someone around me who managed to talk me down. This time I was alone, it was real. Could I really do this to myself? By this time I was sobbing and as well as taking tablets, I took to self harming which made it even worse. After several hours, I released the tablets hadn't actually done anything except make me feel sick. So I took to self harming again, and tried to do it that way, and again it did nothing. I must of cried so much and got so tired that I actually feel asleep.
I woke up the next morning feeling rough, my arms were killing and so was my head. But that morning the sun was shining through the window, and it occurred to me that I was still alive, and there was a reason I survived. Although I still felt at an all time low and wasn't sure how I was going to make it passed this, I decided it was time to get some help. I went to my doctors who got me in touch with the crisis team, they visited me a few times a day and made me feel like there was hope and I had people I could really talk to. I was prescribed anti depressants and went to CBT, and although I still felt very alone and like I couldn't do anything, I was alive. I spent many days in bed, wondering what my purpose was. I spent weeks in bed before facing the outside and managed to go to ASDA down the road with Luke.
I feel like a stronger person for what I have been through, and I don't know how I would of coped without my support system. I feel like it was time to share my story with you lot and I hope it helps you to remember you're not alone. It's been over a year now since I last self harmed and I feel good, I am doing okay. I still have awful days where I feel like there is no way I want to be alive, but something brings me up to release I need to be here. If you want to read my post about Self Harm check it out here.