Wednesday, 11 May 2016

Battling with Suicide *TW* | Lets Talk

I firstly want to add a trigger warning to the start of this post, I would hate for anyone to be triggered by the post I am about to write, if you think you may be triggered by this post I'd recommend possibly not reading it. Otherwise lets crack on with this post. This is something I've wanted to talk about for such a long time, but it's taken a lot of guts and courage to be brave enough to open up about this. If you haven't already figured it out from tittle, I will be talking about battling with suicide, with my own personal battle as well as just talking about it in general. I hope this post helps at least one person out there.


For hours I was pacing around my room, wondering what would be the most logical next step, my brain was telling me to pick up the phone and call someone, anyone. My heart was telling me this is the end, it's too late to be saved. This wasn't even my first attempt at suicide but it was one that was most shocking to myself as I believed this truly could be the end for me. I took a deep breath and ended up taking a lot of tablets, hoping in some way it would numb the pain which was inside of me, even if it didn't maybe it would be too late and I wouldn't be able to feel anything anyways.

There has been times in the past when I have considered taking my own life, but I've taken to calling the Samaritans or luckily having someone around me who managed to talk me down. This time I was alone, it was real. Could I really do this to myself? By this time I was sobbing and as well as taking tablets, I took to self harming which made it even worse. After several hours, I released the tablets hadn't actually done anything except make me feel sick. So I took to self harming again, and tried to do it that way, and again it did nothing. I must of cried so much and got so tired that I actually feel asleep.

I woke up the next morning feeling rough, my arms were killing and so was my head. But that morning the sun was shining through the window, and it occurred to me that I was still alive, and there was a reason I survived. Although I still felt at an all time low and wasn't sure how I was going to make it passed this, I decided it was time to get some help. I went to my doctors who got me in touch with the crisis team, they visited me a few times a day and made me feel like there was hope and I had people I could really talk to. I was prescribed anti depressants and went to CBT, and although I still felt very alone and like I couldn't do anything, I was alive. I spent many days in bed, wondering what my purpose was. I spent weeks in bed before facing the outside and managed to go to ASDA down the road with Luke.

I feel like a stronger person for what I have been through, and I don't know how I would of coped without my support system. I feel like it was time to share my story with you lot and I hope it helps you to remember you're not alone. It's been over a year now since I last self harmed and I feel good, I am doing okay. I still have awful days where I feel like there is no way I want to be alive, but something brings me up to release I need to be here. If you want to read my post about Self Harm check it out here.
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9 comments

  1. I am so moved by this post! I admire your bavery not only for sharing this post but struggling and battling through. Getting help can be one of the hardest and most difficult things to do but at the same time can help save your life. I am so glad you managed to get help. You are such a beautiful human being, no one can see the world through your eyes. No one else can contribute to the world in the same way than what you bring. Your existence is a miracle and something that should be treasured. Stay strong lovely, you are loved xx

    Thrifty vintage fashion

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  2. So glad you were able to get the help you needed to help you through a very difficult time in your life. You're incredibly brave for writing your story and in doing so you are helping others who may be going through the same thing.stay strong and I hope you don't have too many dark days Xx

    Sharon

    rosieloveslife.blogspot.com

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  3. I love the raw honesty of this post. Mental health is still such a taboo subject, I'm really glad you've not only shared your experience but you're still here to tell it. Xx

    Holly ∣ Closingwinter

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  4. You are so brave for sharing your story. It's such a hard subject to talk about but it affects so many people out there yet people don't understand or know how to react to it. I'd like to think that there would be more help for people who go through as dealing with it alone can make it worse (I know from experience).
    I hope sharing your experience makes it easier for someone else out there. You are an important person to this world.

    Rhiannon - Pastel Daydreams
    xxx

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  5. I'm so proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to talk about these things but the fact that you and are willing to share it is one of the best achievements you can make when it comes to concocring your mental health. we all need to talk about these things more so the next generation know thats its ok to talk about and reach out for help quicker. You are incredible and I'm so proud of you and how far you have come <3 thank you for your honesty & your bravery xxxx


    Leonie | www.missleoniewilson.com

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  6. I had post natal depression. I once stood at the top of a flight of stairs and imagined myself lying at the bottom with all the pain gone. My little boy cried and I went to him instead. Those feelings of darkness are very hard to escape, but you are so brave to share your story.x

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  8. Wow this post is incredible. I'm so sorry that you went through all that, but you are right, there is a reason you survived and continue to do so. I've not been a reader of your blog for very long but you are so inspiring. Stay strong, and if you ever need anyone just shout. We're all here for you. ❤
    V

    http://sirvikalot.wordpress.com/blog

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  9. Reading this makes me want to hug you hun. I had no idea. So glad you're still here to share your story and well done for being brave enough to do so. The stigma surrounding mental health and suicide often makes sufferers shy away from opening up. Life can be cruel and sometimes on really bad days I still feel like giving up. But something usually keeps me going. A text from a friend. A hug from my nephew. My mum. I think the best advice I can give for those moments is to not be on your own. It's an ongoing battle hun I know and is exhausting but keep going! Yes I'm proud of you for writing this post but more than that I'm proud that you sought help and chose to survive. Your story will inspire so many others struggling to hopefully get help too. I'm always just a message/email away if you need to chat xxx

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