Another week, means another set of pills, I hate that I have to put this stuff into my body to make me be able to function like a normal person, but it has to be done. After going to the doctors and needing to have my dose increased again, I thought I would take to the internet to share my story with those who might be going through the same thing as me. Anxiety disorder is on the rise, and it concerns me as to why. It also bothers me the fact that I've heard people in the past say that they want the disorder, and I can promise you, you really don't. In the last few years I've seen anxiety be turned into a fashion statement, young girls claiming they have it to get attention and I've also seen several fashion brands use it as a t-shirt slogan?
Are we seriously at the point of where a disorder can be used as a fashion tee now? I am sick of serious disorders being glamorized, because for those of us who are really suffering it is anything but. I can't go into a new situation without sweating so much I am dripping wet, I can't go out on my own in the dark without having a panic attack, the thought of meeting new people makes me physically sick, when I get anxious about something my mind thinks every single thing over and over, and this is mainly at night which keeps me awake. Standing by the main road, and wondering if you are going to be able to cross without falling to the floor and hitting your face for no reason whatsoever, walking into a lecture and imagining that you are going to trip down the stairs and that everyone will laugh is just something I have to face on a daily.
Having a panic attack makes me cry so much I can't breathe, I feel like I cannot get any air despite that obviously not being true. When people tell you just to breathe it's so annoying, I want to breathe, I want it to stop but I can't stop it? I hate how much I have to plan in my head what I am going to say simply before I am going to talk to a cashier, I think of all of the possible questions they may ask me and how I would answer and then I still get freaked out and want to hide. The worst part, is wanting to do something more than ANYTHING in the world, e.g. go to a blogger meet, but getting so worked up about it, staying in bed and not doing anything is the only way to make it go away.
The thing that bugs me the most is people comparing it to being nervous, I am not nervous, it's not just a case of being nervous- I really wish it was! It's not just a feeling that will pass with time, it's something I am stuck with, and I want to get it under control I really do, and I am trying it's just harder than it looks, seven months ago I couldn't even go out of the house without someone by my side, so I am advancing and I am getting better each day. I hate having anxiety disorder and I have no idea why so many people seem to want such an awful thing to happen to them, but trust me anxiety is not something you EVER want.